Combating Assumptions

Much of this post is based around The Ladder of Inference (Argyris 1957), I am however going to take things a stage further and apply some basic principles from the world of NLP to further understand how assumptions are created and how they can be damaging in the context of interpersonal relationships. I guess what I'm talking about here is Emotional Intelligence (EQ). Being aware of yourself and how you are thinking and feeling and how you act upon those thoughts and feelings.

We used to have a saying in the military - never assume, because it makes an ASS out of U and ME. There are various other sayings surrounding assumptions but as they are expressed in slightly more 'colourful' language I am choosing to leave them out of this blog!

So what are assumptions? The Oxford Dictionary Online gives this definition:

noun

• 1a thing that is accepted as true or as certain to happen, without proof:they made certain assumptions about the market[with clause]:we’re working on the assumption that the time of death was after midnight
  

In NLP terms we label assumptions as beliefs. They are things that are held at an unconscious level and to some extent the determine how we process and filter information about the world around us and how we make decisions. They are held together by our values and a collection of beliefs and values can be described as an attitude. The thing is that they aren't based on evidence, beliefs are just that, something that is accepted as being true without proof. Our beliefs change all the time, the thing to be aware of is whether or not your beliefs are useful and empowering for you or not.

Let's consider a work based scenario:

You are working on a project that requires input from a team member, Jim who works from home. Since the planning meeting for the project you have heard nothing from Jim who actually disagreed with you about the project and made his feelings known at the meeting. You have attempted to call him several times and had no reply, additionally you have e-mailed him asking for the information that you need and even after a couple of days have had no reply. You now conclude that Jim is avoiding your calls and ignoring your emails.  The week rolls on and still nothing from Jim, you are now livid as your work is suffering because you can't progress with the project. You begin to believe that Jim may actually be doing this deliberately in order to hold you up, that he is in fact sabotaging you. You decide that you will do the same to Jim and email his boss requesting that they 'have a word' with Jim.

It is early on Monday of the following week, you have just got to work and Jim is in the office, you immediately feel your blood boil and you go to confront him. Before you get the chance Jim smiles, and says morning, how are you doing, fancy a cuppa? You still challenge him about his lack of contact and Jim calmly explains he was busy with a family crisis last week, his father had been rushed into hospital and he spent most of the week by his fathers side in a hospital ward.

I'm wondering how many of you recognise this type of event?

Looking at the graphic below you will see that there are 7 stages to getting to the point where you take action based on your beliefs. The reality is that this can happen in the blink of an eye, unless you are aware of what is going on.

Let's examine some of the rungs of the ladder.

• Observable data and experiences.

This is the information that is taken into our neurology by our 6 senses. In any second there are at least 2 million bits of information being absorbed by our bodies. The interesting thing is that we can only be consciously aware of 7Mbs +/- 1 or 2  The rest is either Deleted, because it isn't important, Distorted to make it fit with previous experiences, or Generalised because you have already learned it. 

• Select data.

This is an unconscious process, you may select data and not even be aware of it!

• Add meaning.

This is where our beliefs and values system comes into play, we filter and code the data according to our life experiences. This is a key thing to understand; the way you are interpreting the data will not be the same as Jim or anyone else for that matter. You can only ever produce an internal representation of the external event and it bears no semblance to anyone else's perception of the same event. Everyone has their own model of the world and it is only a perception, it isn't real.

• Make assumptions & Draw conclusions. 

If we believe Senge's model then these are set out as seperate parts of the ladder. The reality is that at an unconscious level this happened instantaneously as the data was being filtered and coded. This is where you then...

• Adopt beliefs about the world and
• Take actions based on our beliefs.

This process is in practice a never ending reflexive loop, because as soon as you adopt a new belief you change your internal filters, so that the way you process data the data at the bottom of the ladder changes. Imagine for a second that Jim didn't tell you his father was ill and offered no explanation, what would you then believe about him? Lazy, uncooperative, selfish? 

So what's the point? It is human nature to form beliefs and opinions, the thing is to be able to work out which ones are useful and empowering and which ones are dis-empowering or even become limiting beliefs. Once you can do this you will be able to really be self aware. I suggest that you practice the following until they become second nature for you.

• Pay attention to your own thinking and reasoning, take a moment to reflect on things.
• Allow others to have insight into how you are thinking and forming conclusions. This will allow others to really understand you and prevent them from racing up the ladder. They may not agree with you but  they will understand why you are doing something.
• Ask others to explain their reasoning and thinking so that you are able to understand what is going on for them, that way you can keep your feet firmly on the ground. For me as a coach and therapist this is a skill that has become second nature. 

Apply these simple principles to your practice and before long you will find that you stop forming false assumptions, have increased your flexibility of thinking and reasoning and your further developed your EQ.

I hope you have enjoyed reading this post, if it has been useful for you please feel free to share it elsewhere. Just reference it to Mark Minary.

Remember that The Transformational Changes Team can provide you with all of your NLP and Corporate training, as well as life changing personal coaching and therapies. You can contact us here.

Chunk for Success

I want to share with you a technique that I sometimes use when I'm running. I don't know if you have ever experienced the sensation of only being halfway round a run and knowing that you still have a massive distance to go to the finish? It is usually about this time that your legs suddenly start to feel heavy and your internal chatter pipes up with useful phrases such as, 'why on earth am I doing this', or 'I'll just have a little walk' or I can't do this....Have you ever experienced that? 

Here's the solution, if you find yourself struggling to continue, just look ahead and pick a fixed target (goal) to head towards. It could be a tree 50 metres away, or a post box, or a road junction. Just something that you know you can get to even though it might be a challenge.  All you then have to do is get to that point and you have achieved your goal. Give yourself a pat on the back for having achieved it, and keep going. The trick is that just before you get to your goal set yourself another one, so that you have constant momentum towards the end goal. Using this method you will find that you finish before you know it. 

This method of chunking a task down into manageable pieces can be applied to lots of areas of your life, whether it be at work when you've been given a seemingly overwhelming task, planning life at home or even stopping smoking or losing weight. 

Ignore the little voices telling you that things are too difficult, chunk tasks into bite size pieces and rejoice in your success.

Go well, 

Mark :-)

When the pain carries on....

Helicopter Operations 1992

I joined the armed forces back in the mid 80's and spent the best part of 25 years keeping myself fit enough to fight. In fact I would go so far as to say I was extremely fit, I had to be in the job I was doing. Eventually though all good things come to an end, and I left the forces around 5 years ago. Shortly after leaving I suffered a series of fairly serious horse riding accidents, resulting in (not all at once) a fractured spine, pelvis, ribs, arm, wrist, collar bone to name just a few! Naturally my ability to be able to run and keep fit was somewhat curtailed for a while. However, as soon as I was able to, I started getting back into running again, but I soon discovered that my back just wasn't playing ball. Even just going for a short run was painful the next day. I had MRI's, various cortisone injections, and physiotherapy, all to no avail. The surgeon simply couldn't find out what was causing the problem as all of my fractures had healed up correctly. In the end the hospital stopped contacting me for pain clinic appointments, and although nobody said anything to me about them having done all they could, that seems to be the case as they simply haven't been in touch.

Eventing.

Being a trainer of NLP & Hypnotherapy and a Master Practitioner of Time Line Therapy®, I of knew deep inside, that because the fractures had healed the problem was no longer physical. I knew that this thing that felt like a bad back (and my riding accidents), were in fact linked to the death of my father who had died shortly after I left the forces. I realised that I needed help. Luckily I have a large network of friends and associates who have carried out exactly the same training as me and therefore it was fairly simple to find someone who could stay Meta on the problem and help me solve it. Einstein once said "You can't solve a problem with the same mind that created it". So even though I applied a lot of my techniques to self, in this case it needed someone else to coach the coach! 

It only took a couple of sessions of Time Time Line Therapy® to get to the root cause of the problem and to get rid of the pain. Metaphorically speaking backs are all about support, and in reality if you think about it they support our whole bodies in one way or another. I discovered the pain I had been experiencing was around a lack of support issue that my unconscious mind wanted me to resolve. 3 years of back pain disappeared after just 2 hours with one of our coaches. I know it probably sounds slightly far fetched but think about it, who was creating the pain? I was!....once you resolve the problem of the pain it no longer has any purpose and goes away. There has been a lot of research carried out, in particular by a chap called Sarno, however Dr's Hamer and Chopra have also carried out extensive research into physical symptomatology caused by emotional trauma. 

I'm back running again and loving it. In fact I will be running my first 10 Km run for over 5 years in April 2013.

Whilst I realise how powerful the techniques that I have available are, I have to be careful that I'm not treading on the toes of traditional medicine. For sure, there are people that are ill and have physical problems that are fixed every day using modern medicine and if you are unwell go and see your GP, please don't call us, (We will however take referrals from your doctor!) What I am suggesting is that there is another dimension to this. If we are able to make up our mind to accept that we are creating the problem, we can almost certainly fix it.

If you have been down the conventional medical route, and are still having problems, just ask yourself this question and take the first answer you get. What significant emotional event happened in your life shortly before this problem appeared? I think you may be surprised by the answer. Once you have that answer you are literally just minutes away from getting rid of negative emotions that surround the event, and any limiting decisions you may have made as a result of your past. If you are having 'problems' and want to get rid of them, and you are based in the UK or Europe, then  request a callback via our website or send us an e-mail  We have a number of options to suit every budget, so feel free to get in touch. 

Kind Words?

I work with many adults and children around some of the issues that are preventing them from getting the results they want in their lives. Call the process whatever you like, coaching, therapy, life coaching. Some of my clients are already very successful and on the flip side some of them are really struggling with life. The common theme with pretty much all of my clients is that at some stage they have had an experience of being told something unhelpful at an early age, before they were 7 years old. 

If we believe Morris Massey and his widely accepted theory surrounding human development, up until ~age 7 a child is simply a little sponge like, unconscious mind which is wandering around absorbing and accepting everything around them. This is of course without any of the filters that form once we develop a sense of consciousness post Imprint Period. The interesting thing is that even in adulthood our unconscious minds are still child like and process information in the way a 5, 6 or 7 year old would. 

How many times have you told your child or heard  people telling their children 'white lies' to keep them quiet. You know the type of thing; 'Don't open the cupboard because there is a monster in there'.....'You'll never be able to do X,Y,Z'....  'You're so naughty'. What about during team sports and games at school....You play in goal because you're not good at football, or during music lessons, your really can't sing...you're not good enough.....These are what we could term hypnotic suggestions because at that early age they are going straight into the deeply unconscious where they begin to form and mould personality and behaviour. Many of these suggestions are simply forgotten as a person grows up, or at least a person isn't consciously aware that the suggestion is still there and running at an unconscious level affecting a persons confidence or other abilities. 

Clients can take a long time to get rid of some of this 'stuff' and that is only the ones that ever ask for help. Wouldn't it be better simply to choose to use supportive behaviours and language with children and vulnerable adults to save having to undo things in the future?

Remember everything you say to an infant is accepted uncritically as a suggestion. Choose your words wisely!

Looking at Feelings

Here's a simple fun visualisation technique that you can use to change the intensity of feelings associated with a specific event. This may be useful for you if you want to increase the intensity of a pleasant experience and can also be used to literally distance yourself from minor unpleasant experiences.

In NLP we talk about being associated or dissociated, this simply means when you recall the memory of an event whether or not you are associated in the event,  ie looking through your own eyes; or dissociated, this is where you can see yourself in the picture.

Ok so here goes, recall a happy memory from the past, once you have the mental image of the picture notice whether you are looking through your own eyes or can see yourself in the picture. Once you have this notice what feelings are present and notice the intensity of the feelings. Now here's the magic, if you find that you are looking at yourself in the picture just step into your body so you are in the event looking through your own eyes and notice how the intensity of the feelings change to become even more intense.   If you find that you are already associated, have a go at stepping out of your body, so you see yourself in the picture and notice how the intensity of the feelings decrease. Step back in to your body again to get the most intense feelings before coming back to now.

We can use this Visual (V) Kinaesthetic (K) dissociation/association in a number of ways. It is possible to use it on future memories, for example in sports coaching to provide the most compelling images of success in an event, this is visualisation in its simplest form.

VK Dissociation is really effective on unpleasant memories from the past, it allows you to to literally step away from an event, seeing yourself in the event rather than being in it will dramatically reduce any emotions. This can be taken a stage further by stepping out of your body twice or more to watch yourself watching yourself in the event. Have a go with something minor and notice how the feelings almost totally disappear.

This is a very safe simple and effective technique that you can use to make memorable events even more memorable and to reduce the feelings on minor unpleasant events from the past. If you have more significant things in your past that are unresolved and you would like them to be, or if you are struggling to get the results you need, get in touch with on of our NLP coaches at The Transformational Changes Team www.thetransformationalchangesteam.com and we will be able to help you get the results you deserve.

Falling with grace

I fell off my horse the other day, its not the first time that I have hit the deck, I consider it to be an occupational hazard of the sport of equestrianism. The horse I was riding this time is an ex racehorse and he is quite 'sharp' as many thoroughbred types are at times. I have stayed on for even the most extreme of his spooking antics however for some reason this time I suddenly found myself on the ground, seeing stars with my shoulder taking the brunt of the impact! Ouch!!

So what's my point? I was laughing about the fall with a friend later in the evening and they asked me, was it the horses fault or yours? A seemingly innocent question, however it was pivotal in me examining whether I was at cause or effect when riding......Clearly if it was the horses fault by spooking, I have to be on the effect side of the equation, and I have no choice other than to accept that horses spook and people fall off = no options.

If I put myself back at cause by saying that I fell off I now have the choice of taking action as a result of the event.  I have options to change things in order to stay on the horse in future, by improving my seat by riding without stirrups for example.

So where are you in life, at cause or effect? Do you have results or reasons Excuses for not getting results?  
Get yourself back at cause and give yourself some choices.

Go well,

Mark.

Red Kites and Things

Today was pretty windy, gale force winds that really rattled the windows. I looked up at the tree tops and saw a big bird of prey, a Red Kite getting buffeted in the turbulent air behind some tree tops. The Kite was really working hard just to stay flying straight and level. It really looked as though it might even lose control and crash into the trees. It was at that point I wondered if birds got scared in situations like that - some of you will know that I fly in my spare time, both gliders and powered aircraft, and flying downwind of a ridge or tall trees could potentially be a fatal error, in fact it is one of the key lessons in ridge soaring - stay in front of the ridge unless you are high enough to avoid the curl over.

So why then was the Kite downwind of some huge trees in all the curl over? If I had been in its position in an aeroplane I'm pretty sure that I would have been feeling the turbulence and would have to work really hard to stay in control and yet this huge bird seemed totally oblivious to what was happening around him. Years ago I would probably have been terrified if I found myself in serious turbulence, and now I just take it my stride and sail on through it with confidence. I wonder what would have happened to a young kite in the same situation - terror or hey this is new? 

I guess it is easy to avoid situations that are risky and just to stay in our comfort zone, then how will we ever develop? I only got comfortable in turbulence by exposure to a bit of calculated risk. Now I know that I can fly perfectly well even in the most challenging conditions. So what will you do in turbulence, stay on the safe side or push the boundaries, just a bit to see what might happen? Joseph Campbell once said "The Cave which you fear to enter holds the treasure that you seek". What treasure are you missing by not entering the cave and testing the turbulence?